So, I know this is supposed to be about chaos, and this moment may not look so chaotic to you. In retrospect, it kind of was. It was one of those moments where you want to experience every single second, absorb it, take it all in. This moment captured by my mom in her seat, ready to watch me cross the stage and receive my high school diploma, was part of an experience that felt like chaos. The graduating class of 2015 from MHS was all jittery, excited, and every feeling in between prior to this moment. Looking back it feels chaotic, because I remember a few moments clearly, but graduation was chaotic in its entirety. The moment felt so surreal. It was one of those moments where so much happens, you might forget to acknowledge that it is happening. Looking back at this photo, I’m so glad my mom captured it. I know in this moment that I was probably nervously smiling because I hate when all eyes are on me. But, I also know I was proud of myself for this accomplishment. The blurriness of the photo and the blurriness of the memory ensues chaos in my mind. It’s an experience that you want every minute to be remembered, but the chaos of the time makes only a few moments clear. But those clearest of moments, they’re beautifully chaotic.
I ask myself a thousand times what it means to love you.
I ask myself if it’s okay to be sad when you choose her over me.
I ask myself why I care so much.
I ask myself how I became this person who puts your needs above my own when you least deserve it.
I ask myself how in the hell did I let you deceive me into thinking I was someone you cared about.
I ask myself why do I value your opinion over the one who has helped me to become the person who loves unconditionally.
I ask myself how can I be upset with the part of me that cares so deeply.
I ask myself how come you don’t love me.
I ask myself why I give a shit about love when I’m only nineteen with a beautiful life ahead of me.
I ask myself why do I never blame you for making me feel this way.
I ask myself why I can never put my overwhelming feelings aside and hate you if only for a moment.
I never ask you why you pretended to care.
I never ask you what fun it is to see my genuine smile and know you’re only playing a game.
I never ask you why someone else’s happiness is a joke to you.
I’ve asked myself a hundred times what it means to beautiful in your eyes.
I ask myself why does it matter if I see beauty in mine.
We all want that clumsy kind of love. The kind of love that makes you stumble over your words because their smile while they listen to you speak is so adorable. The clumsy kind of love that makes you literally clumsy–tripping because you’re too busy looking at them to pay attention to where you’re going. The kind of love where you giggle at the stupidest of jokes, because anything they do makes your heart sing. The clumsy kind of love that makes foolishly dancing in front of everyone more than worth it if it makes them happy. The kind of love where you’re goofy, all the time. You’re so happy that you can’t help but brighten those around you. The kind of love where their eyes are oceans that you could swim in forever. The love that finds sunshine in the dreariest days, happiness in the darkest of times. That first love but also forever love kind of feeling, where it all feels natural but you also can’t help but get butterflies as you look them in the eyes. The kind of love that is worth being clumsy for.
Back at the hill for year two! About a month in! Can I get a HILL YEAH? I hope all college, high school, or any other students are enjoying their year so far back at school. Me, you ask? It’s been great! Some days are stressful, such as yesterday–spending the day in the library until 1am, one of my FAVE things!!! Anyways, this semester for me has been a lot of reading and I’m still adjusting to my schedule, but I’m having a good year so far! I don’t really agree with syllabus week being a breeze, most of my professors just jump right into the work and you need to be ready for it.
The new year brings a series of changes that may be great or upsetting. You see lots of new faces, but hardly see old ones! You live in a new dorm with new people, and have to adjust to simple changes in your everyday routine. A new school year gives you the opportunity to meet new people, take new classes, participate in more clubs, and continue to make your school year and experience all you hope for it to be!
This year feels SO much different than last year for me, in a variety of ways! I’m now living more centrally on campus, which is great for getting places more efficiently. However, my dorm lacks the community feel that I had last year. I don’t even know all of the girls on my floor! My friends and I have made some freshmen friends who ROCK. They bring so much sunshine into my day! Unfortunately, I don’t see a lot of the same people as often this year-I miss you!! I’m really enjoying my classes and I’m already tired of dining hall food. But who isn’t?? Despite not seeing old faces, I have so many things to look forward to this year and so many wonderful people to share it with! I have no doubts about having a good year 🙂
Some of my friends are pretty stressed in their adjustment to this year-new responsibilities, heavy workload, and other things going on. I think all of us struggle a little at the start of every new year, change causes that! I hope you all find the courage to persevere and embrace it! It might be just what you need 🙂
I hope this new school year treats you all well, you deserve it!
All my love ❤
At Stonehill, I am apart of the Creative Writing Club! On Thursday, our prompt was “An impersonator is taking over your life in every aspect. Give them instructions.” I decided to focus mine on my life at Stonehill and this is what I wrote. It gives you a little look into my life at school, and my likes and dislikes!
Your name is Rachel Riani. You are a sophomore English major with a double minor in Creative Writing and Philosophy at Stonehill College. Your favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye and you love writing on your blog. You eat lots of sushi, yogurt, and peanut butter. You know a lot of people on campus. Say hello to people, smile at them. Even if they don’t look like they recognize you, smile anyway. I sometimes do that. If people say my name and they seem excited, run up to them to give them a hug! I do that a lot, too.You always get the turkey florentine panini at the hill. Don’t switch it up, my friends would get suspicious. Wear lots of purple or Stonehill clothing. Help my friends open their mailboxes, that’s my designated job in the friend group. Sit in Ace’s Place in the library-that’s where I’m known for studying. Little tip for your own comfort, the booths are the best. Drink iced chai lattes and order pumpkin coffee at dunkin donuts. Black. To recharge your batteries, you watch Netflix on my laptop. When you’re hanging out in my room and my roommate asks what you’re watching, say Gilmore Girls or Grey’s Anatomy. Laugh randomly during episodes. Yes, I literally laugh out loud when I watch a show by myself. My roommate won’t question it. If you get a text from a guy named Bill, that’s my boss from my work at home. Always reply with excitement. Throw in a cat emoji here and there, too. It’ll make him laugh. Make sure to text my mom at least once a day, she’ll call if you don’t. Your voice isn’t exactly like mine. Oh, and don’t lose my snapchat streaks. That’ll make the real me sad. I hope you enjoy my life as much as I do. Best of luck!
Maybe give this prompt a try! You might learn a little about yourself 🙂 If you do, link it in the comments! I’d love to read it!
Happy Saturday 🙂
I feel like I have written a lot on this blog about knowing your worth–whether it be in a poem or about that one boy….
Today is not much different. Lately I have been thinking about how much I care about my friends and how much I value certain friendships…but how much do they value mine? I do not think I am in any friendship that is not wanted; I think everyone I’m friends with wants to be my friend. However, I think that recently I have been placing value on friendships that are not making me feel happy–I have been putting in so much effort with nothing in return. I go out of my way or intentionally put them first, only to have what seems no interest in response. If it isn’t making me feel good and happy, why put so much effort into something?
Coincidentally, I read two short poems on Twitter the other day that are definitely friendly reminders for how I have been feeling lately…
“When you start seeing your worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around people who don’t.” – Worth by Emily S.P.
“People make time for who they want to make time for. People text and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe anyone who says they’ve been too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would.” – Unknown
These hit the nail right on the head for the things I needed to tell myself and remind myself that I am worth people’s time. I will continue to focus on friendships that give me the love and effort I deserve and that remind myself of my worth. I was having lunch with a good friend of mine the other day who has been putting less effort into a friendship because it made her feel crappy. I do not want to lose any friendships, but I want to be sure that all of my friends care to make the time for me as I do for them.
I hope this blog today reminds you of how much you are worth and that anyone would be lucky to spend time with you! Reminder: You don’t have to try so hard ❤
All my love,
It was a cold day but the sun shined brightly. The woman laughs as she picks up the child. The neighbor across the street shoveled his snowy driveway and the sidewalk that bordered his front lawn. The sun continued to shine on them that it began to warm their faces. The white hat covered the baby’s small head and ears. The woman stopped laughing but she maintained a smile on her face. The snowy driveway that distracted the child made the baby anxious to be put down and go explore. The mother adjusted the scarf on the baby’s neck. The woman has dimples as she smiles brightly at the child. “Wait, take another photo! She wasn’t looking at the camera!”
An assignment from my class yesterday based on a photo from February 1939 of two women and a baby; I had to create a description and story for what was happening in this moment in nine sentences with one line of dialogue.
Hope you all enjoy Labor Day weekend 🙂